Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 3

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

Read Part 1 Here || Read Part 2 Here

This was the month I finally found a place to live. September was extremely difficult because I was really exhausted and discouraged. I had lived in San Francisco for two months, emailed a bajillion people and interviewed with a handful to find a home, was still learning how to budget in a city where I had to pay six fucking dollars for a dozen eggs, still learning how to do my new job, and was away from almost my entire support system.

I was tired all the time, and I regretted moving to San Francisco. I woke up and felt dread every single day. I wanted to move back to Phoenix, or move away to any other easier place to live. Every time I looked at my suitcases, it felt so easy to just go online, buy a ticket, take those still-packed suitcases and dip out. But I made a commitment to a school, and I know how hard it is on schools when people leave mid-year. I had to decide whether I'm actually going to try to make a life here (for at least a year) or leave.

So, I unpacked.



In an effort to try to like San Francisco, I decided to vlog every day. I knew I'd grow to like it if I did things that weren't worry about living here, and vlogging seemed like a good way to still feel connected to those I love.

And you know what? It really helped. I wasn't going to make vlogs of me worrying, so it forced me to actually find the positive things about my day-to-day life. It added up. I really like living here now, thanks to doing this.

Vlogging is also much more of a time commitment than I was ready for. I made it to October 16th and fell behind and then decided it was too late and deleted all my unused footage because I was mad that I wasn't able to keep up with it. So I didn't really meet my goal of doing it every day. But a half a month was enough for what I set out to do.

You can watch a playlist of my vlogs here:

My inability to respond to people in a timely manner has been a habit for my entire life. I literally cannot think of a time I didn't have any unread texts or emails, and the more I thought "I really need to respond to this person" the less likely I was able to do it. It sucks. It sucks for me and it sucks for the people trying to reach out to me.

It also gets in the way of me being able to do my job well. In October, I did something super vulnerable and reached out to my supervisor asking for help on answering emails on time. And so she helped me. We came up with systems that work for me, ones that are in many ways counterintuitive to everything I was taught about organization systems. 

But organization is a thing you learn, not something you're born with. And I was able to get my work inbox to zero and keep it that way since then.

I love food, but I can't feed myself on a schedule. I thought it was one of those "i'm barely an adult and my body will magically, at some arbitrary point in the future, crave foods at certain times and then i'll probably eat regularly" things but... it's not. Eating properly (i.e. healthily) is a skill that you learn and practice, not some innate radar that magically activates at some point in your life.

I don't really know much about healthy eating habits (other than "try to eat vegetables, and eat often enough so you don't pass out") so I didn't know where to start with this one. Eating breakfast every day seems like a good idea though, so that's what I set out to do.

I sucked at it. I think I had breakfast like 4 times this month. I realized that if I want to eat regularly, I have to actually plan for it and maybe go to the grocery store once in a while.

--

At the beginning of the year, I recorded this video with a bunch of goals and resolutions I'd set for myself. Looking back, I think I actually accomplished most of them. It's been a good year.

Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 2

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

You can read Part 1 here!

Did I Do it?
Hell yeah. You can read about it here or watch below



What I Learned:

I can do anything.

I set out to downsize everything I have into two suitcases because I was planning to move to San Francisco. I didn't want to take everything with me because I had no idea where I'd be living, or how long it would take me to find a place to live (I was planning on staying at a hostel until I found a place of my own.) Plus, most importantly, I wanted to see if I could.

On a hoarding scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is "I live out of my truck" and 10 is "there's a truck underneath that pile of stuff" I'm at about a 6 (used to be about an 8 two years ago). I'd like to be at most a 4. What a great opportunity to push myself, right?

But I also spent so long making my studio in Phoenix into a comfortable, cozy space. I genuinely loved my apartment and the things in it. It brought me lots of joy.

So I gave most of what I cherished to people I love. My beautiful sparkling lights are with someone I love. My giant wall-sized whiteboard is with someone I love. My couch, the comfiest couch in the world, is with someone I love. My bookshelf/desk, the cleverest furniture combo, is with someone I love. My dishes, my candles, my boxes of tea, my books, everything that made my lovely apartment a cozy place is with someone I love. And it made it easier to say goodbye to it, and to them.

And I did it. I could do it.

This was a period of time where I was working 13 hours days. Reading feels like an actual break, so I thought this would be a good time to set a reading goal.

When I set this goal, I knew it was very ambitious, since it usually takes me about a month to finish a book. But I figured it would convince me to choose reading over spending time on a computer, so I upped the ante.

Turns out, I really didn't spend that long on the computer (because I was working 13 hours a day.) I also didn't read 4 books like I planned. I had time for 2. They were great, I'd recommend both--

    

I posted this on my instagram at the end of july:

And got some great ideas from people (especially erica)

Did I Do It?
Not even a little bit. I tried. I tried different prompts and I tried lots of times, but I did not draw a single thing that month because I spent that whole time staring at a blank piece of paper and hating myself a little more each time I couldn't draw anything.

What I Learned
Drawing isn't hard because I can't think of what to draw. Drawing is hard because I'm scared of drawing something ugly. While I didn't meet my resolution this month, that realization was important. It actually helped me sort out where those feelings were coming from, which helped me draw stuff three months later:

Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 1

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

Here's  a recap:

Did I Do It?
Yes. It was terrifying, but yes.

Can I Still Do It?
Well, I can drive red miatas on completely flat surfaces with no other cars around. So, yes.

What I Learned:
The hardest thing was figuring out how to get into first gear. Letting the clutch off and pressing on the gas together was... hard. The more I stalled, the harder it got, and the more I psyched myself out. I felt like Korra when she was going through that rotating panel maze.

My solution was literally the same as hers. Breathe into it. I literally said "be the leaf" every time I got into first gear. And hey, it worked.

Did I Do It?
Yes. It was awesome. I talk about this resolution here, but keep reading if you just want the gist of it.

What I Learned:
I didn't even bother making a resolution to exercise more this year because I hate it, but exercising allows me to explore parts of the world I wouldn't get to otherwise. I want to challenge myself and do tougher hikes. Taller peaks = better views!

Oh, this was a big one. I learned that so many of you relate to this feeling, of being messy but not really knowing how to not be messy without hating yourself. I felt so much better after sharing this habit that makes me feel super crappy about myself, and hopeful that I was actually able to see a lot of progress by the end of the month. This was one of the best ones I did all year. You can read about my mid-month progress here, or watch my end-of-month reflection below! 

Since March, I was able to maintain this habit through the end of the summer, but it all stopped when I moved to San Francisco. Oops. Guess I know my January resolution for 2016?

Did I Do It?
Sort of. It was hard because I had to plan ahead to buy the ingredients (it required more work than just rolling out of bed and going for it, you know?) so I did it 3 times. Still felt great!

What I Learned:
This resolution wasn't really about becoming a better baker. The idea behind this resolution was that I would bake things for other people. This was a resolution about practicing gratitude. I wanted to make snacks for some people that I love because I didn't feel very good at expressing gratitude through gestures.

Here are two of the recipes I used:

1. The Best M&M Cookies

2. Carrot Cake Squares  (with cream cheese frosting ribboned in)

"Wrong" Feelings

I remember once when I was maybe 13, I was crying in my bathroom, and my mom told me to stop faking it. My literal cry for help, attention, comfort, whatever it was at the time, was met with rejection, and it felt awful. It was very isolating.

Even today, at 24 years old, I felt a similar thing. I was talking about how some of the ways white people do Indian things feels inauthentic to me, and why I think that hurts Indian people in the U.S., and felt like Mr. was trying to, in his way, tell me to shut up. It was isolating.

My mother and Mr. aren't bad people. They can be very supportive a lot of the time. But what makes these moments different? Why do they dismiss my feelings and ideas instead of comforting me? Or, at the least, listening to what I have to say?

Something about those conversations prevents these people--these good people with good intentions--from listening without being defensive. For my mother all those years ago, maybe it was a fear that I did not love her, or that my tears were evidence of something far greater and more serious and reflected some fundamental truth about her ability as a parent. For Mr. I think it's a fear that my disagreeableness reflects on his own character, or that I'm making an otherwise "pleasant" conversation less so than if I said nothing.

In those moments, I have to remind myself that what I'm feeling is not wrong. And I hope you remember the same. During those moments where you're being told (explicitly or subtly) that what you're feeling is wrong, I hope you remember that your feelings are real, legitimate, and even if it's difficult for good people with good intentions to understand you in the way you're trying to be understood, you're not wrong for feeling what you are in that moment.

In fact, they are.

This quote by Louis C.K. comes to mind--

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t."

- Louis C.K.