I’ve been reflecting lately about how much time I actually use to decompress from things in a day. I'm talking, specifically, about the amount of time I spend processing and recovering from cognitive overload before I can actively engage with things again.
It feels like too much, but I want to make sure, because I've been wrong about this stuff before.
I used to complain about not having enough leisure time when I started teaching. Let me add some context: a 21-year-old, unmarried, childless woman who is able to support herself comfortably with one job complained about not having enough leisure time. I said this while I was at restaurants with friends. I said this while I was on vacation. "But Grishma, you're experiencing leisure right now!" my friends would say, and I would say, "it's not enough." Because I didn’t feel rested, ever, so I assumed I needed more time for leisure (surprise! It was actually depression. Also, learning how to teach well is really hard.)
As I started and continued on my journey of recovering from depression, that nagging feeling of not having enough time stayed with me. When you've spent a long time complaining about something or believing that things that are out of your control are holding you down, it's hard to take stock to see if those feelings are still rooted in day-to-day experiences or a residue of what you're releasing from past experiences.
For so long, I felt like there was never enough time to do fun things, and if something were different, I'd finally start to enjoy my life. At the time, I thought being a teacher was incompatible with feeling rested and energized. While reading Overwhelmed, by Brigid Shulte, I realized that my biggest excuse no longer applied. I was working as a program director at an elementary school that year, and didn't have to work outside of my normal work hours like I did when I was a teacher. But this frenzied feeling still latched onto me. I decided to follow Schulte's first step as she began grappling with similar feelings, and kept a time diary for a week. After a week, when I was looking through a week's worth of data, I had the realization that I actually have a lot more free time than I realize, and the fear of not having enough was not only factually incorrect, but also taking away from actually making the most of that leisure time. I started going to watch Warriors games on weeknights at sports bars, I started going on walks, I started being more intentional about making time with people. I'm a teacher again, and these feelings are back, but I have enough leisure time. I know I have enough.
What I'm feeling now is difficulty in making the most of that leisure time, just like I did in 2015. I feel like a lot of my free time is spent decompressing from stress, instead of actively engaging in things that will energize me and fuel my growth as a human being.
I don’t expect to ever live a life where decompression is entirely unnecessary, but I want to work towards needing that less and being more proactive in preventing the build up of cognitive overload and stress that I need to release.
But first I need to take an inventory of when I'm actually experiencing it.
It feels like too much, but I want to make sure, because I've been wrong about this stuff before.
I used to complain about not having enough leisure time when I started teaching. Let me add some context: a 21-year-old, unmarried, childless woman who is able to support herself comfortably with one job complained about not having enough leisure time. I said this while I was at restaurants with friends. I said this while I was on vacation. "But Grishma, you're experiencing leisure right now!" my friends would say, and I would say, "it's not enough." Because I didn’t feel rested, ever, so I assumed I needed more time for leisure (surprise! It was actually depression. Also, learning how to teach well is really hard.)
As I started and continued on my journey of recovering from depression, that nagging feeling of not having enough time stayed with me. When you've spent a long time complaining about something or believing that things that are out of your control are holding you down, it's hard to take stock to see if those feelings are still rooted in day-to-day experiences or a residue of what you're releasing from past experiences.
For so long, I felt like there was never enough time to do fun things, and if something were different, I'd finally start to enjoy my life. At the time, I thought being a teacher was incompatible with feeling rested and energized. While reading Overwhelmed, by Brigid Shulte, I realized that my biggest excuse no longer applied. I was working as a program director at an elementary school that year, and didn't have to work outside of my normal work hours like I did when I was a teacher. But this frenzied feeling still latched onto me. I decided to follow Schulte's first step as she began grappling with similar feelings, and kept a time diary for a week. After a week, when I was looking through a week's worth of data, I had the realization that I actually have a lot more free time than I realize, and the fear of not having enough was not only factually incorrect, but also taking away from actually making the most of that leisure time. I started going to watch Warriors games on weeknights at sports bars, I started going on walks, I started being more intentional about making time with people. I'm a teacher again, and these feelings are back, but I have enough leisure time. I know I have enough.
I don’t expect to ever live a life where decompression is entirely unnecessary, but I want to work towards needing that less and being more proactive in preventing the build up of cognitive overload and stress that I need to release.
But first I need to take an inventory of when I'm actually experiencing it.
Here's a template I've made, feel free to download and use for yourself!
