Fearless

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”

Marie Curie 

I've chosen to make a lot of changes in my life--I just moved to Seattle, moved in with my love, am taking on new challenges in a new job, and allowing myself the space and time to make lifestyle changes that were hard to do before. Everything is different, and I understand it's objectively good because all these changes are intentional, but it's also terrifying because... well... everything is different.

We're socialized to pathologize negative emotions, and it's a thing I have worked hard to unlearn. It's worth unlearning. It has made a huge difference in the quality of my life, and continues to do so the better I become at it. But it's easier for me to say it's okay to feel scared, sad, frustrated, etc. and much harder to mean it.

For me, meaning it means not denying my emotions their space to unfold and flow out of me. It also means being non-judgmental towards myself as I feel things, and I've had difficulty with this over the past few weeks. On July 30th, Connor and I drove the last 200 miles of our 1000+ mile road trip, got the keys to our apartment, did our walkthrough and inspection, unloaded all our boxes from the van to our second-floor apartment, then immediately drove to IKEA to pick up a list of things I had made before we moved to give us a relatively comfortable start, and tried to go to Home Depot, but it closed by the time we were done.

At the end of the day, I felt like a complete failure.

Some of the things we needed from IKEA were out of stock at that store. We didn’t make it to Home Depot on time. I felt like I was being irresponsible, like I should have planned better, I should have checked to make sure these things were in stock, should have unloaded faster, saved time.

It was ridiculous, because we had already done so much. It was like my first year of teaching--planning everything as much as possible and feeling like I’m not doing enough because I’m only looking at the 2 things that didn’t get done instead of the 100 that did.

Change is challenging. My changes are all choices. And, perhaps because they are intentional, these changes beget pressure. I wanted to make changes, so I did. Now I have to continue to put in the work and follow through with my promises to myself. I must nurture the parts of me that have felt neglected over the past years. I must heal the parts of me that are doubting that I deserve the things I desire.

It doesn't look pretty right now, and it doesn't have to, and I don't know that it ever will. The hard work required to make changes to your life doesn't take away from the value of those changes, nor does it devalue your journey.

I'm realizing more and more that I need to be transparent about how messy this process actually is--to normalize it and take the pressure off myself, to show the steps that are easier to hide, and to share in the little achievements along the way.

Cheers to that. More to come.

How Keeping a Time Diary Changed my Relationship with Stress

I’ve been reflecting lately about how much time I actually use to decompress from things in a day. I'm talking, specifically, about the amount of time I spend processing and recovering from cognitive overload before I can actively engage with things again.

It feels like too much, but I want to make sure, because I've been wrong about this stuff before.

I used to complain about not having enough leisure time when I started teaching. Let me add some context: a 21-year-old, unmarried, childless woman who is able to support herself comfortably with one job complained about not having enough leisure time. I said this while I was at restaurants with friends. I said this while I was on vacation. "But Grishma, you're experiencing leisure right now!" my friends would say, and I would say, "it's not enough." Because I didn’t feel rested, ever, so I assumed I needed more time for leisure (surprise! It was actually depression. Also, learning how to teach well is really hard.)

As I started and continued on my journey of recovering from depression, that nagging feeling of not having enough time stayed with me. When you've spent a long time complaining about something or believing that things that are out of your control are holding you down, it's hard to take stock to see if those feelings are still rooted in day-to-day experiences or a residue of what you're releasing from past experiences.

For so long, I felt like there was never enough time to do fun things, and if something were different, I'd finally start to enjoy my life. At the time, I thought being a teacher was incompatible with feeling rested and energized. While reading Overwhelmed, by Brigid Shulte, I realized that my biggest excuse no longer applied. I was working as a program director at an elementary school that year, and didn't have to work outside of my normal work hours like I did when I was a teacher. But this frenzied feeling still latched onto me. I decided to follow Schulte's first step as she began grappling with similar feelings, and kept a time diary for a week. After a week, when I was looking through a week's worth of data, I had the realization that I actually have a lot more free time than I realize, and the fear of not having enough was not only factually incorrect, but also taking away from actually making the most of that leisure time. I started going to watch Warriors games on weeknights at sports bars, I started going on walks, I started being more intentional about making time with people. I'm a teacher again, and these feelings are back, but I have enough leisure time. I know I have enough. 

What I'm feeling now is difficulty in making the most of that leisure time, just like I did in 2015. I feel like a lot of my free time is spent decompressing from stress, instead of actively engaging in things that will energize me and fuel my growth as a human being.

I don’t expect to ever live a life where decompression is entirely unnecessary, but I want to work towards needing that less and being more proactive in preventing the build up of cognitive overload and stress that I need to release.

But first I need to take an inventory of when I'm actually experiencing it.

Here's a template I've made, feel free to download and use for yourself!

Go On, Be Weird

Ever have a day where you literally don't feel like doing anything?

I don't mean when you're not in the mood to work. I mean when you don't want to do anything.

Ever just kinda sit around on your couch telling yourself you'll get up in fiiiiiive more minutes? Ever realize it's already 8pm and you didn't "do anything" today?

Oh have I been there, friend.

In fact, I'm there right now. I'm sitting in a cafe because "I don't know what to do with myself." I tried going for a walk. Didn't feel better. Tried snacking. Didn't help. Watched an episode of Friends. Nothing.

Maybe you feel like you're not sure what to do today because you're the indecisive kind of anxious person. Maybe you need to find the "best" way to spend your time and can't decide what it is, so you get frustrated and abstain from making any decision at all. Don't. Do something. It's okay if it's not the best way to spend your time, because I honestly don't think that question has an answer.

But maybe you feel like nothing feels good today. Maybe you, too, are recovering from depression, and don't know whether your bouts of lethargy are "normal" or "symptoms." 

But here's the deal, depression/anxiety or not,

usually just means

Think about it. Are you having trouble enjoying your break because you're worrying about your to-do list? Too mentally tired to work on anything, but also worrying too much to actually enjoy your break? 

Here's what this looks like in The Studio: I have music playing but I'm not actually listening to it. The TV is on but I'm not actually watching it. I'm telling myself I'll take a 15 minute break. When time's up, I'm telling myself 5 more minutes.

It's terrible.

What we need in these times if a frame-break. Something to keep our attention long enough to calm down/loosen up/whatever it is we need. But our usual comforts are probably not going to work right now, because it's easy to do them mechanically (i.e. without actually thinking about what you're doing.) Usually, when I'm feeling stressed, a short walk while listening to music does the trick. I come back full of energy and feel good again. But I've gone on two walks today, and I still feel lethargic.

So what's gonna help?

You need to do something weird. Something that doesn't make you uncomfortable, necessarily, but feels strange. Trust me. It works wonders.

Here are some things I do:

I have a pair of houndstooth heels that I adore. And when I need to do something mundane (think: laundry, sorting paperwork, vacuuming, etc. etc.) and I can't get myself to get out of bed, I put my heels on. There's something about experiencing your apartment 4 inches above your usual height that feels so damn refreshing. And the soft clicking while I walk is oddly therapeutic.

If you haven't tried Lush's bath bombs yet, go get some right now. No. Seriously. Where are your keys? Bath bombs are fizzy, soapy little things that change the color and consistency of your bath. They smell delicious and--if you get in the bath before you toss one in--feel bizarre. Taking a bath itself is a frame-break for me since I usually exclusively shower, but bath bombs add an extra, wtf-is-happening-right-now kick.

When I say "dense," I'm not talking about books that are badly written. Or old. Or convoluted. I'm talking about books that require you to process a lot of information. Not a fast-paced, action-driven story. Something slow. Something heavy. Something thought provoking. Sometimes I read a few pages out of Reasons and Persons, by Derek Parfit. After fifteen or so minutes, I'm satisfied. I stay away from opinions articles on news sites because, even though those articles basically do the same thing, the internet is a trap. I know I'm going to start with the article and wind up on buzzfeed.

This feels weird for at least a few hours. I have no idea why, but it throws me off. I feel like the weight on my head settles differently, but I know that's not actually true since hair weighs all of about 0.3 oz.

(If you want to be precise, 2ft of hair is around 0.25 pounds.)

Welp , that's all I've got for now! What helps you break out of a blah mood?

I Need to Talk About this Yoga Class

I've taken a few yoga classes before, most of them at my alma mater, and really like them for the same reasons I like guided meditations--it's much, much easier when someone is talking you through it, and, honestly, I'm a thousand percent more likely to actually do it this way.

I've never been able to do yoga alone. Sometimes I watch youtube videos of instructors, but I usually need to go to a physical class if I'm actually going to practice.

I had a bizarre experience in a yoga class this week.

The instructor was moving much faster than any other whose class I've attended. He was narrating the poses he wanted us to do next, but he usually forgot to narrate the breathing...

(You can see where this is going.)

I forgot to breathe.

I went to a class with an actual instructor. And I forgot to breathe.

90% of yoga is breathing. Vinyasa literally means controlled breathing.

And I didn't do it.

It didn't hit me until after the class that if my instructor was moving at a faster pace than I felt comfortable, I should have just slowed down. I wasn't breathing deeply or regularly because I was so focused on haphazardly trying to keep up with the power-yoga routine happening in front of me. I could have gotten an injury.

So, please, if you're in a yoga class and you feel like you're not breathing deeply, slow down. If you ever feel uncomfortable, tense, sore, or just need a break, go into childs pose for as long as you need:

(img via pain free living)

He did spray us all with lavender oil afterwards, which was a nice touch.

Three (More) Games For an Actual Mental Break

Overworked? Stressed? Take a break!

The motto. (via activemindsinc)

BUT don't spend that time on facebook/buzzfeed/tumblr. Seriously. Those sites are designed to be addictive, and if you're avoiding doing something because you feel anxious, you definitely won't exercise self control.

[[I've written about ways to take satisfying mental breaks here and here]] 

I'm a visual learner, and I like visual puzzles. Sudokus, crosswords, logic puzzles when you get to use a grid. Love  'em.

Here are some visual, free geography games you can play online, if you want to mix things up:

1. Sporcle's Geography Games

Sporcle has a zillion geography and word-ladder puzzles, and a lot of trivia as well. It's timed (most are between 5-15 min) so you'll have a clear cut-off, and you feel so accomplished when you're done. I know it seems counterintuitive to "use" your brain when you're trying to give it a rest, but you'll have to trust me on this one. Passively absorbing social media takes hours out of my day, and Sporcle quizzes help me refocus.

Here's one I did today (I only got 86 out of 194 in fifteen minutes. Boo.)

Sporcle is really, incredibly visually satisfying because you never press enter. If you answer correctly the word quickly fades out of the textbox and into the larger puzzle. 

2. 50 States

Yeah, yeah, it's on a site called Addicting Games, but you get to jigsaw the United States together! It's a little infuriating because everything in the midwest has vague locations in my memory, but fun nonetheless. It even tells you your average error in miles!

3. Map Snaps

These are similar to the 50 States game above, but with a lot more variety. You can do countries and continents from all around the world, and, for what it's worth, green-on-white is prettier than orange-on-blue.

(Clearly I need to brush up on my Asian geography.)

When It's Hard to Become Calm

Deep Breathing : Put your hands on your stomach and breathe in for 7 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, and breathe out for 10 seconds as you feel your stomach rise and fall. Breathe as slowly as you can.

The 5-4-3-2-1 Game : Out loud, state 5 things you feel; 4 things you see; 3 things you smell; 2 things you hear; and one thing you smell. Repeat as needed.

Physical Grounding : Feel how the ground feels under your feet, how the chair you are sitting on feels, and do a general body scan. If it's hard, try squeezing and relaxing your toes or fingers--it'll give your something less static to think about.

Meditation : I can't meditate on my own, so I always use guided meditations. UCLA has a great series of short meditations, and Wellbeing has awesome longer meditations.

Run : Get your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, and you'll feel better afterwards. Guaranteed.

Vinyasa Yoga : Okay, so maybe you hate running. Find a vinyasa flow you like (I'm a fan of going back and forth from downward dog to upward dog) and go for it in a quiet space. 

Perfectionism

I am a perfectionist. Maybe you are, too. Maybe you, too, find it hard to "relax" about work. Maybe you, too, take longer than your peers to complete the same tasks because you want to kick it up just one more notch before setting it down. 

School is an easier arena for perfectionists. You can sustain yourself with short bursts of energy and work yourself to the bone, because in a few months, you'll start over. Semester-long sprints, then vacations. Sprint, and rest. Sprint, and rest. 

I never learned how to run marathons.

Perfectionism is great if you also have self control. Which, I've learned, I don't. Instead, I have competitiveness. And that's a toxic combination.

I bite off more than I can chew. Always. This inevitably leads to one of two things:

• Things (or people) get neglected, and I feel awful.
• I mentally implode and hide from the world for a few weeks and wallow in sadness.

(Sometimes both.)

I don't know how to exist as a perfectionist in the real world. I get evaluated by my administrators, sure, but I don't get grades. There isn't really a "winner" anymore. 

Post-school life feels like I'm learning how to walk all over again. 

I was recently reading Laryn Evarts' business model, where she explains that she wanted to pick one thing and be really good at it before even thinking of expanding her company. Makes sense for a business.

Makes sense for life.

I'm not opposed to jumping into things before I'm ready, because that's how I learn best. Besides, no amount of preparation ever makes me feel ready, so I'll be waiting around forever if I wait until I feel ready to take on something new. But the crucial thing here, is to do it one at a time.

One. At. A. Time. 

Pick one thing to jump into. Become really good at it. 

Only then should I consider "expanding" into something new.

So... don't decide to start a new, difficult, high-stakes career AND learn how to do all your own chores for the first time AND move in with your boyfriend AND go to graduate school AND try to make positive lifestyle choices like eating better, exercising, less "screen" time, etc.

Because I really only have the stamina to be good at one thing. I chose the first.

I want to learn how to pace myself because I care about how well I run this race. I don't want to end up vomiting all over the sidewalk after 15 minutes.

And it's not about doing one thing at a time (who's that one-dimensional?) It's about choosing one thing to work on, and making everything else as easy, low-stress as possible.

The Morning Narrative

Sunlight is awesome. I can be so productive when it's sunny, but if it's dark outside, I get nothing done. I can't think of a single time in my life when I haven't pushed my bed against a window so that I could wake up to the sun every morning.

Well, that's a lie. I can think of now.

I love my apartment, minus the bedroom. It faces the hallway, so there are no windows.

I basically sleep in a dungeon.

(You can imagine how hard it is to wake up.)

Most days, I wake up with this disgusting feeling--guess I better roll out of my dungeon because I have to go to work, yippee...

Not the best way to start your day. And, for me, I noticed that it set the tone for how I approached anything else for hours. I was worried. I was cynical. I was this hollow shell of a human being trying so, so hard to complete tasks despite feeling grumpy.

(via tyleroakley)

During the winter months, I started meditating in the mornings to help alleviate anxiety and give me the motivation to actually go to work (I highly recommend UCLA's guided mediations.)

I've noticed I'm feeling better now, because of the sun. But the morning narrative is still the same... I just don't feel as awful because of it.

I still don't want to get out of bed.

I want to change my first thought from "ugh, I have to--" to "hey, I get to--" because I think it'll set my thoughts up in a more positive cycle. I don't want to start my days numbly checking things off a to-do list.

I'm talking about #15 in this article.

I can't wake up because I want to go to work. I've tried ways to want to go to work in the mornings, and it's not going to happen. I need something else. Exercise seems like the most obvious option, but I know that's not going to happen right now either. Maybe someday I'll be the type of person who goes for a morning jog, but I can already imagine the excuses I'm going to make at 4:45am. I need something I already like. Something I can do no matter the weather, season, or location.

(If you, like me, feel uncomfortable dismissing exercise as a morning routine because it sounds "like something you should do," just remember that the goal is to make it easier to wake up, not harder! You, like me, can figure out how to become a morning jogger as a separate goal.)

Here's what I've been doing over the past couple of weeks:

I wake up and drink some juice (this cup is full of lavender kombucha.) I read a book for 15 minutes. (And I don't touch my computer!)

I'm really enjoying this so far! I don't hit the snooze button anymore and I feel much calmer throughout the day.

Got any ideas? What gets you out of bed?