Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 1

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

Here's  a recap:

Did I Do It?
Yes. It was terrifying, but yes.

Can I Still Do It?
Well, I can drive red miatas on completely flat surfaces with no other cars around. So, yes.

What I Learned:
The hardest thing was figuring out how to get into first gear. Letting the clutch off and pressing on the gas together was... hard. The more I stalled, the harder it got, and the more I psyched myself out. I felt like Korra when she was going through that rotating panel maze.

My solution was literally the same as hers. Breathe into it. I literally said "be the leaf" every time I got into first gear. And hey, it worked.

Did I Do It?
Yes. It was awesome. I talk about this resolution here, but keep reading if you just want the gist of it.

What I Learned:
I didn't even bother making a resolution to exercise more this year because I hate it, but exercising allows me to explore parts of the world I wouldn't get to otherwise. I want to challenge myself and do tougher hikes. Taller peaks = better views!

Oh, this was a big one. I learned that so many of you relate to this feeling, of being messy but not really knowing how to not be messy without hating yourself. I felt so much better after sharing this habit that makes me feel super crappy about myself, and hopeful that I was actually able to see a lot of progress by the end of the month. This was one of the best ones I did all year. You can read about my mid-month progress here, or watch my end-of-month reflection below! 

Since March, I was able to maintain this habit through the end of the summer, but it all stopped when I moved to San Francisco. Oops. Guess I know my January resolution for 2016?

Did I Do It?
Sort of. It was hard because I had to plan ahead to buy the ingredients (it required more work than just rolling out of bed and going for it, you know?) so I did it 3 times. Still felt great!

What I Learned:
This resolution wasn't really about becoming a better baker. The idea behind this resolution was that I would bake things for other people. This was a resolution about practicing gratitude. I wanted to make snacks for some people that I love because I didn't feel very good at expressing gratitude through gestures.

Here are two of the recipes I used:

1. The Best M&M Cookies

2. Carrot Cake Squares  (with cream cheese frosting ribboned in)

"Wrong" Feelings

I remember once when I was maybe 13, I was crying in my bathroom, and my mom told me to stop faking it. My literal cry for help, attention, comfort, whatever it was at the time, was met with rejection, and it felt awful. It was very isolating.

Even today, at 24 years old, I felt a similar thing. I was talking about how some of the ways white people do Indian things feels inauthentic to me, and why I think that hurts Indian people in the U.S., and felt like Mr. was trying to, in his way, tell me to shut up. It was isolating.

My mother and Mr. aren't bad people. They can be very supportive a lot of the time. But what makes these moments different? Why do they dismiss my feelings and ideas instead of comforting me? Or, at the least, listening to what I have to say?

Something about those conversations prevents these people--these good people with good intentions--from listening without being defensive. For my mother all those years ago, maybe it was a fear that I did not love her, or that my tears were evidence of something far greater and more serious and reflected some fundamental truth about her ability as a parent. For Mr. I think it's a fear that my disagreeableness reflects on his own character, or that I'm making an otherwise "pleasant" conversation less so than if I said nothing.

In those moments, I have to remind myself that what I'm feeling is not wrong. And I hope you remember the same. During those moments where you're being told (explicitly or subtly) that what you're feeling is wrong, I hope you remember that your feelings are real, legitimate, and even if it's difficult for good people with good intentions to understand you in the way you're trying to be understood, you're not wrong for feeling what you are in that moment.

In fact, they are.

This quote by Louis C.K. comes to mind--

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t."

- Louis C.K.

Vlogoween Update!

Hi guys!

I haven't written here in a while, but I've been vlogging every day in October! Here's a link in case you wanted to keep up with what I've been up to lately!

Just click below for a playlist of  VLOGOWEEN!