Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 3

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

Read Part 1 Here || Read Part 2 Here

This was the month I finally found a place to live. September was extremely difficult because I was really exhausted and discouraged. I had lived in San Francisco for two months, emailed a bajillion people and interviewed with a handful to find a home, was still learning how to budget in a city where I had to pay six fucking dollars for a dozen eggs, still learning how to do my new job, and was away from almost my entire support system.

I was tired all the time, and I regretted moving to San Francisco. I woke up and felt dread every single day. I wanted to move back to Phoenix, or move away to any other easier place to live. Every time I looked at my suitcases, it felt so easy to just go online, buy a ticket, take those still-packed suitcases and dip out. But I made a commitment to a school, and I know how hard it is on schools when people leave mid-year. I had to decide whether I'm actually going to try to make a life here (for at least a year) or leave.

So, I unpacked.



In an effort to try to like San Francisco, I decided to vlog every day. I knew I'd grow to like it if I did things that weren't worry about living here, and vlogging seemed like a good way to still feel connected to those I love.

And you know what? It really helped. I wasn't going to make vlogs of me worrying, so it forced me to actually find the positive things about my day-to-day life. It added up. I really like living here now, thanks to doing this.

Vlogging is also much more of a time commitment than I was ready for. I made it to October 16th and fell behind and then decided it was too late and deleted all my unused footage because I was mad that I wasn't able to keep up with it. So I didn't really meet my goal of doing it every day. But a half a month was enough for what I set out to do.

You can watch a playlist of my vlogs here:

My inability to respond to people in a timely manner has been a habit for my entire life. I literally cannot think of a time I didn't have any unread texts or emails, and the more I thought "I really need to respond to this person" the less likely I was able to do it. It sucks. It sucks for me and it sucks for the people trying to reach out to me.

It also gets in the way of me being able to do my job well. In October, I did something super vulnerable and reached out to my supervisor asking for help on answering emails on time. And so she helped me. We came up with systems that work for me, ones that are in many ways counterintuitive to everything I was taught about organization systems. 

But organization is a thing you learn, not something you're born with. And I was able to get my work inbox to zero and keep it that way since then.

I love food, but I can't feed myself on a schedule. I thought it was one of those "i'm barely an adult and my body will magically, at some arbitrary point in the future, crave foods at certain times and then i'll probably eat regularly" things but... it's not. Eating properly (i.e. healthily) is a skill that you learn and practice, not some innate radar that magically activates at some point in your life.

I don't really know much about healthy eating habits (other than "try to eat vegetables, and eat often enough so you don't pass out") so I didn't know where to start with this one. Eating breakfast every day seems like a good idea though, so that's what I set out to do.

I sucked at it. I think I had breakfast like 4 times this month. I realized that if I want to eat regularly, I have to actually plan for it and maybe go to the grocery store once in a while.

--

At the beginning of the year, I recorded this video with a bunch of goals and resolutions I'd set for myself. Looking back, I think I actually accomplished most of them. It's been a good year.

Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 2

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

You can read Part 1 here!

Did I Do it?
Hell yeah. You can read about it here or watch below



What I Learned:

I can do anything.

I set out to downsize everything I have into two suitcases because I was planning to move to San Francisco. I didn't want to take everything with me because I had no idea where I'd be living, or how long it would take me to find a place to live (I was planning on staying at a hostel until I found a place of my own.) Plus, most importantly, I wanted to see if I could.

On a hoarding scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is "I live out of my truck" and 10 is "there's a truck underneath that pile of stuff" I'm at about a 6 (used to be about an 8 two years ago). I'd like to be at most a 4. What a great opportunity to push myself, right?

But I also spent so long making my studio in Phoenix into a comfortable, cozy space. I genuinely loved my apartment and the things in it. It brought me lots of joy.

So I gave most of what I cherished to people I love. My beautiful sparkling lights are with someone I love. My giant wall-sized whiteboard is with someone I love. My couch, the comfiest couch in the world, is with someone I love. My bookshelf/desk, the cleverest furniture combo, is with someone I love. My dishes, my candles, my boxes of tea, my books, everything that made my lovely apartment a cozy place is with someone I love. And it made it easier to say goodbye to it, and to them.

And I did it. I could do it.

This was a period of time where I was working 13 hours days. Reading feels like an actual break, so I thought this would be a good time to set a reading goal.

When I set this goal, I knew it was very ambitious, since it usually takes me about a month to finish a book. But I figured it would convince me to choose reading over spending time on a computer, so I upped the ante.

Turns out, I really didn't spend that long on the computer (because I was working 13 hours a day.) I also didn't read 4 books like I planned. I had time for 2. They were great, I'd recommend both--

    

I posted this on my instagram at the end of july:

And got some great ideas from people (especially erica)

Did I Do It?
Not even a little bit. I tried. I tried different prompts and I tried lots of times, but I did not draw a single thing that month because I spent that whole time staring at a blank piece of paper and hating myself a little more each time I couldn't draw anything.

What I Learned
Drawing isn't hard because I can't think of what to draw. Drawing is hard because I'm scared of drawing something ugly. While I didn't meet my resolution this month, that realization was important. It actually helped me sort out where those feelings were coming from, which helped me draw stuff three months later:

Year-End Resolution Recap: Part 1

In 2015, instead of setting resolutions in January and trying to keep up with all of them and then angrily abandoning all of them when it became hard, I chose one per month. Overall, it was an awesome experience, and much easier to maintain when I was only focusing on one thing at a time.

Here's  a recap:

Did I Do It?
Yes. It was terrifying, but yes.

Can I Still Do It?
Well, I can drive red miatas on completely flat surfaces with no other cars around. So, yes.

What I Learned:
The hardest thing was figuring out how to get into first gear. Letting the clutch off and pressing on the gas together was... hard. The more I stalled, the harder it got, and the more I psyched myself out. I felt like Korra when she was going through that rotating panel maze.

My solution was literally the same as hers. Breathe into it. I literally said "be the leaf" every time I got into first gear. And hey, it worked.

Did I Do It?
Yes. It was awesome. I talk about this resolution here, but keep reading if you just want the gist of it.

What I Learned:
I didn't even bother making a resolution to exercise more this year because I hate it, but exercising allows me to explore parts of the world I wouldn't get to otherwise. I want to challenge myself and do tougher hikes. Taller peaks = better views!

Oh, this was a big one. I learned that so many of you relate to this feeling, of being messy but not really knowing how to not be messy without hating yourself. I felt so much better after sharing this habit that makes me feel super crappy about myself, and hopeful that I was actually able to see a lot of progress by the end of the month. This was one of the best ones I did all year. You can read about my mid-month progress here, or watch my end-of-month reflection below! 

Since March, I was able to maintain this habit through the end of the summer, but it all stopped when I moved to San Francisco. Oops. Guess I know my January resolution for 2016?

Did I Do It?
Sort of. It was hard because I had to plan ahead to buy the ingredients (it required more work than just rolling out of bed and going for it, you know?) so I did it 3 times. Still felt great!

What I Learned:
This resolution wasn't really about becoming a better baker. The idea behind this resolution was that I would bake things for other people. This was a resolution about practicing gratitude. I wanted to make snacks for some people that I love because I didn't feel very good at expressing gratitude through gestures.

Here are two of the recipes I used:

1. The Best M&M Cookies

2. Carrot Cake Squares  (with cream cheese frosting ribboned in)

"Wrong" Feelings

I remember once when I was maybe 13, I was crying in my bathroom, and my mom told me to stop faking it. My literal cry for help, attention, comfort, whatever it was at the time, was met with rejection, and it felt awful. It was very isolating.

Even today, at 24 years old, I felt a similar thing. I was talking about how some of the ways white people do Indian things feels inauthentic to me, and why I think that hurts Indian people in the U.S., and felt like Mr. was trying to, in his way, tell me to shut up. It was isolating.

My mother and Mr. aren't bad people. They can be very supportive a lot of the time. But what makes these moments different? Why do they dismiss my feelings and ideas instead of comforting me? Or, at the least, listening to what I have to say?

Something about those conversations prevents these people--these good people with good intentions--from listening without being defensive. For my mother all those years ago, maybe it was a fear that I did not love her, or that my tears were evidence of something far greater and more serious and reflected some fundamental truth about her ability as a parent. For Mr. I think it's a fear that my disagreeableness reflects on his own character, or that I'm making an otherwise "pleasant" conversation less so than if I said nothing.

In those moments, I have to remind myself that what I'm feeling is not wrong. And I hope you remember the same. During those moments where you're being told (explicitly or subtly) that what you're feeling is wrong, I hope you remember that your feelings are real, legitimate, and even if it's difficult for good people with good intentions to understand you in the way you're trying to be understood, you're not wrong for feeling what you are in that moment.

In fact, they are.

This quote by Louis C.K. comes to mind--

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t."

- Louis C.K.

Vlogoween Update!

Hi guys!

I haven't written here in a while, but I've been vlogging every day in October! Here's a link in case you wanted to keep up with what I've been up to lately!

Just click below for a playlist of  VLOGOWEEN!

I Really Live Here?

I’ve been living in this apartment for only a week and already a woman is getting murdered across the street.

Or maybe she’s getting robbed, I can’t really tell. I tried to peek outside but couldn’t see anything (there are 2 streetlights on the entire street)

Should I call for help?

But what if I was imagining it? How embarrassing if the cops show up all the way here and there was nothing. I'll wait a little more and see if she screams again.

What if that was you, Grishma, what would you want someone to do? Would you want someone to wait for you to scream again?

The screaming stopped. She’s dead. She died. She might have lived had I called the police in time but now someone’s dead because I couldn’t call for help in time. I will live with this for the rest of my life. Grishma Singh, unhelpful coward.

I crawl onto to the pile of clothes I’ve been calling a mattress lately. My laptop sits on top of a cardboard box my dad used to mail me contact lenses. I open up my laptop and, for comfort (or maybe a night time routine at this point) watch one of the vlogs waiting on queue.

The blogger is staying at a treehouse for the first time, and I hear the same scream. She grew up in rural England, and while her boyfriend was freaking out, she calmly said, “Oh, it’s just a fox! For people who haven’t heard foxes before it can be very startling.”

Ooooh.

When I moved to San Francisco, no part of me could have guessed I’d live in a national park. My back yard is a forest and my front yard is a beach. It’s a nude beach, but we’ll get into that later. There are lots of foxes around at night, and now I know what they sound like.

They sound like screaming, terrified women.

Across the street this morning.

New Girl

Here's a scenario--It's the first day of school. There's a kindergartener crawling on the floor and screaming while the rest of the class is trying to read a book. The teacher has tried reasoning with the child but he's not listening. The teacher insists that the boy follows directions, but he is not. I, as the "principal of afterschool" am called because things are becoming chaotic. I'm happy to help, and remove the boy from the class so the rest can focus. I take the boy by his hand and find an empty conference room in the front office. He is quiet.

I have two goals:
1. Figure out what's keeping the kid from listening to his teacher.
2. Figure out how to get him to listen to his teacher.

I've done this before, lots of times, albeit not for someone this young.

We sit down.

And the school counselor walks in. She is nervous that the boy is being punished. She wants to help.

She asks, "do you have a relationship with him?"

"It's the first day of school."

"I think it would be a good idea to ask him how he's feeling before writing him up, I think he might be--" and I tune out. She wants to model the conversation for me. I wait for her to finish.

Anyway.

The boy sits down. He looks sad. I ask him how his first day at school was. He didn't like it. He misses his mom. I remind him how brave he's being for being without her all day. I ask him to pull out his homework. He stares at the page. I ask him whether he thinks his homework is really hard. He nods. We look at a math problem and I ask him to read the directions. He reads them.

I ask him, "so what is it asking you to do?"

"I don't know."

"This first part here, let's read that again."

"Count the dots in the box."

"And what does that mean?"

"Just like 1, 2, 3, 4."

"Good! Now what's this?"

"and circle the greater value."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

"what does 'greater' mean?"

He shrugs.

"Greater means bigger, so what are you supposed to do here?"

"Circle the bigger one."

"Good!"

It took him 10 minutes to finish the the page.

We talked about what he can do the next time he feels like his work is too hard. We talk about why it's important to listen to his teacher. We walk back to class. He's fine for the rest of the day.

I can't recall when the counselor left the room. But I can't shake off how patronizing it felt to listen to someone try and teach me something I already know. It didn't feel annoying; it felt disrespectful. You really think I'm so incompetent that I'm going to bring in a 5-year-old and yell at him to scare him?

And she's not the only one. During a coaching conversation about being firm with expectations with students, I said something like, "when you're counting down 3, 2, 1, don't say "one and a half" or "one and three quarters" because that's showing them you didn't really mean what you said. If a student isn't lined up silently by the end of it, just give a check and move on."

The previous manager follows behind me and adds, "relationships are the foundation to classroom management."

Since I've started my new job, I've been open to giving everyone my time and listening to what they have to say, because I thought that it'd give me ideas on how to be better. But the only person who has given me anything useful is my boss. Everyone else is trying to give me ed 101 lessons, and it feels really patronizing. It makes me feel like those people don't actually believe that I'm competent, and it makes me question myself instead.

Because I am afraid. I'm afraid that this program will turn into daycare. I'm afraid that I won't be able to realize the vision and goals I've set for my staff and the program. I'm afraid I won't do a good job.

Over the past 2 weeks, I've heard everything from "be more stern because you're not inherently intimidating" to "be less mean because you want them to like you." I don't tell them I want kids to do things because they see value in it, not to get my approval. Yes, relationships are important, but they should not be the only thing holding a class together.

Everyone is rushing to help because they don't know me. They don't know that I've managed classes with 45 people at a time. They don't know that I've helped kids who couldn't multiply in August solve quadratics by May. They don't know that I've coached teachers before, that I have a masters in education, that I can tell them two hundred or so stories of incredible kids who've done awesome things.

They don't know that it wasn't some stroke of luck, and that I worked my ass off. I learned and unlearned and relearned constantly--still am--to become better at what I do.

I canceled my "brain dump" meetings next week. Unless you have an efficient organization system I don't know about, I don't need to see you. (Because I need to spend that time finding efficient organization systems.)

As hard as it is, I have to be okay with other people underestimating me.

Because here's something else they don't know about me--

I love proving people wrong.

(Not) Vacationing in San Francisco

I'm not in San Francisco on a vacation. I've moved here. I have a job here. I will, eventually, have a place to call home here. But my mind is having a hard time understanding this. It's 3pm and I'm wearing a light sweater. What the hell.

I'm spending tonight in one hostel, next week in another. I sent 20 or so emails to people looking for a tenant last night. I'm going to do that for many more days. Mr. sent me a carefully curated list of possible homes with an email template I can use to make the process faster and less stressful. I'm not anxious anymore.

Two nights ago, my last night in Phoenix, I was anxiously packing and repacking what I really wanted to take with me on this non-vacation. I was anxious that I haven't yet signed a lease. Bianca reminded me that I've spent much, much longer in entirely different countries with much, much less with me and I've been fine. This would be no different. Just a long vacation.

This morning, I carefully sketched a tiny map--how to get from the Powell station to my hostel; how to know when I've gone too far. Mr. laughed and reminded me that my phone can also do that. Oh right. I'm not in another country. I'm not on vacation.

But I did find an old church to hang out in front of all afternoon. Maybe a little on vacation.

Post-Anesthesia Doodles

I was under general anesthesia for an hour while I had my wisdom teeth removed today.

According to my mom, I demanded for my notebook and a marker as soon as I got out of surgery. I don't remember drawing anything, but I filled up half a notebook. Here are some of the things I drew:

It started with a few self-portraits

and a grocery... list..?

There were also some doodles where the monster became a personified depression monster that was preying on my family. Warrior Grishma was fighting it in a few pictures. There was a cupcake. And a robot.

Huh.

Did you have any loopy experiences while you were coming off anesthesia?

May Resolution Recap: Summiting the Highest Peak in Arizona

I would never use the word "athletic" to describe myself. I don't work out. I don't play sports. Not me.

But I do like nature a lot. And, like I mentioned in my February RR, exercise is a means to an end for me--a way to experience nature.

I haven't been exercising regularly, but I have been practicing harder and harder hikes so that I can push myself. And what's the hardest one nearby? Mt. Humphreys. It's 12,633 feet tall--the tallest peak in Arizona

What Made it Difficult

Snow. I was prepared for high altitudes, I was prepared with enough food and water, but I was NOT prepared for this much snow. Watch my vlog below to see what I mean:

What I Learned

I can do anything. 

Now What?

Maybe this.

Grapefruit Champagne

Last week, at my graduation dinner, I had a margarita. No surprises there, I love margaritas. But this menu was the first menu that actually had the... um... nutritional information about their drinks.

I was horrified. It had about as many calories as my meal, and a crapton more sugar and sodium than I thought. (I'm talking 80% of your daily recommended intake.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to eating junk food, but I figure my body can only process so much junk, and I'd rather save its capacity to do that for a big bag of salt and vinegar chips.

So, I'm going to learn how to make craft cocktails. According to Robert Sharp (aka The Barman), "the process of making craft cocktails is a lot like that of the artisan food movement, focusing on flavor, high quality ingredients and taking your time in order to do those ingredients justice."

Sounds good to me.

I found this recipe for grapefruit champagne by Lauryn Evarts, and made a few changes. Lauryn adds vodka to her recipe and doesn't include any sparkling water, but I wanted something that tasted like a refreshing citrus soda with just a little kick. Here's what I did:

• Squeeze 1 grapefruit, 1/2 lemon, 1/2 lime. Mix.

• Add 1/2 cup grapefruit Perrier

• Top it off with champagne

Simple, clean ingredients and no added sugar! Star-shaped ice-cubes optional but highly recommended :)

Vancouver (Grishma Travels)

So there was this one time I ate like 2 spoons of hummus over the course of 16 hours and then tried to climb 2400 feet over a 2-mile hike.

If you're reading this, I survived.

Here are some snapshots of my weekend in Canada!

Subscribe to my youtube channel here!

Graduation Outfit (Woo!)

Last week, I graduated with my Masters degree in secondary math education!

Being a full-time student on top of my first two years of teaching forced me to evolve the way I thought about myself, time, feelings, success, relationships, etc. etc. (basically, it took what would have otherwise been a 10-year growth process and condensed it into two years)

But I don't want to talk about that yet. Right now I want to show you what I wore to my graduation!

I used the Ion Color Brillians Brights in Red to dye the ends of my hair

Dress is from ASOS // Tights are from NY&C // Watch is from Fossil

Age Quod Agis means “do well in whatever you do.” It comforted me two years ago while I sat terrified at my graduation, about to get degrees in philosophy(!) and classics(!) and on my way to be a math teacher(??) At graduation, I sat terrified again, unsure of what the future holds (but with a blue hood around my neck this time!) and was comforted not just by a stronger belief in age quod agis, but by those who I’ve worked so hard for.

What pushed me to becoming a better teacher was never the discussion posts or papers, but the names you see on this cap. I love these students and I love the community we’ve created in my classroom, and I’m so happy they could walk with me at my graduation.

Here are a few more photos from the night!

VLOG: Shopping with Erica and Christina

I'm sitting around sniffling and coughing (wooooo!) so no new video this week, guys. BUT here's a month-old vlog of a fun afternoon with Erica and Christina! I can at least reminisce about being able to breathe through my nose...

tl;dr Pacsun has weird sunglasses.

Subscribe to my youtube channel here!

Carrot Cake Squares

Today, I made some carrot cake squares and infused them with cream cheese frosting.

I'm usually not a huge fan of carrot cake because the cake itself is usually really dry and the cake-to-frosting ratio is hit or miss. I feel like carrot cake relies on the frosting to be good, but you always have to topple the piece over on its side and plan your bites so they're not too sweet and not too dry...

Anyone else? Just me?

I thought that if I baked the cream cheese right in with the cake, it'll moisten it up a bit without me needing to add extra oil or butter, and give it a light frosting-y flavor that's balanced throughout.

Happy to report that it did!

(those little white chunks are bits of sweetened cream cheese)

Wanna make some? 

Here's what you'll need:

For the cake:

1. 1 cup finely shredded carrots
2. 1 cup sugar
3. ½ cup unsweetened applesauce
4. 2 eggs
5. 1 tsp vanilla
6. 1 tsp baking soda
7. 1 tsp ground cinnamon
8. ½ tsp salt
9. 1¼ cup flour

For the frosting:

1. 4 ounces cream cheese
2. ¼ cup sugar
3. ½ tsp vanilla
4. 3 tbsp flour
5. 1 egg

Here's what you'll do:

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees. I used a 9x13 inch pan.
• Mix together the carrots, sugar, applesauce, eggs, and vanilla. 
• Add baking soda, cinnamon, salt, and flour into the carrot mixture and mix well. Spread the batter into your baking pan.
• For the frosting, mix cream cheese, sugar, vanilla, flour, and the egg. Pour it over the top of your cake batter, and use a knife or spatula to "marble" it (swirl it around.)
• Bake for 20-30 minutes or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean.

I wonder how these will taste with some cardamom added to it... or ginger? If you try any variants, let me know!

March Resolution Recap

The Best m&m Cookies

I found this chocolate-chip cookie recipe on Lauren Conrad's website, and really wanted to try it out! I love cookies. I love chocolate-chip/sea-salt as a combo. It sounded perfect. 

I made a few alterations to her recipe (besides subbing in m&ms for chocolate chips because it's easter) which you can see below:

Here's What You'll Need:

• 2¼ cup flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• ½ tsp of sea salt
• 2 tsp ground coffee
• sprinkle of cardamom
• 2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter
• 1¼ cup packed dark brown sugar
• ¼ cup granulated sugar
• 1 large egg and 1 egg yolk
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup m&ms (or chocolate chips)

Here's What You'll Do:

1. Whisk dry ingredients together in a medium sized bowl.
2. Melt butter over medium heat. Transfer the butter to a bowl and set aside to cool for a few minutes.
3. Beat the butter and sugars until thoroughly blended. 
4. Beat in the egg, yolk, and vanilla until combined. 
5. Add the dry ingredients slowly and beat on low-speed just until combined. Stir in the m&ms.
6. Chill the dough for 1 hour.
7. Bake at 350 degrees, for 7 to 10 minutes.

Building Tiny Habits: A Tidy Apartment

I'm really digging doing a resolution a month. I spent more time in nature in February than the last six months combined, and even though I'm no longer making it a goal to hike every week, I still went on a short morning hike on Saturday. This is awesome. Focusing on one thing at a time means I actually make progress.

This month, I've challenged myself to clean for 20 minutes each day.

I didn't arbitrarily choose 20 minutes, I got the idea from UFYH (a blog for messy people trying to be clean, not clean people trying to be cleaner.) They are proponents of 20/10 challenges, where you break down large, daunting tasks into 20/10s: 20 minutes of work time followed by a 10-minute break. 

I know what you're thinking--is 20 minutes really enough to clean every day?

Not at first. But I'll tell you more about that when I do the end-of-month recap. 

Today I want to talk about that pile of clutter you've tucked away in the corner. Mine happened to be on a shelf hidden behind a chair. And after 20 minutes of cleaning, here's what happened:

It doesn't look like much.

Sometimes, before-and-afters can look like those "Spot the Difference" puzzles in Sunday comics, and that's okay. Because when you walk past what used to be a cluttered mess and is no longer a second, outside junk drawer, it feels so damn good.

It takes a long time to find a place for those odds and ends you've been neglecting. 20 minutes, actually.

3-Ingredient Vegan Sorbet (for breakfast, obviously)

This one's super simple, guys. And it takes all of 30 seconds to prepare, 20 of which are you getting things out of the freezer and putting them back.

• a handful of frozen strawberries
• a handful of frozen cherries
• coconut milk (I use this one from Trader Joes)

Blend blend blend, and enjoy!

Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates

If I had read this book at any other time in my life, I wouldn't have understood it.

This book is about the existential crisis many 20-somethings experience when they try to figure out how to be happy.

Frank and April are the coffee-house dwelling hipsters who don't want to live a life "beneath" them. The ones who think having a desk job would be wasting their intellectual and creative abilities. The ones who want to live in hip, urban cities. They don't, so they're unhappy.

But the reason Frank and April are unhappy has nothing to do with where they live or what they do.

They're unhappy because they're not authentic. They're scared that their authentic selves are mediocre, so they pretend to be cosmopolitan. And they're unhappy because of it.

Frank doesn't actually want to be an intellectual, well-traveled man. He just wants attention. Here's what I mean:

• April buys Frank an advanced French guide intended for those who just need a refresher. But he never told her that he exaggerated his experience in France. He doesn't know French. He spent most of his week there romanticizing the awful weather. But even when he replaces the advanced French book with a beginner's book, he doesn't actually study. It's too hard. He doesn't want to learn French, he wants the attention he would get if others know he knows French.

• April is willing to move to another country so that Frank could live an intellectual life and "pursue his passions." She unintentionally calls Frank's bluff because Frank doesn't know what his passions are, because he doesn't really care about the things he talks about, he just likes attention. 

Because they're too scared to confront their authentic self, they procrastinate the process. They wait for it to get better.

And, well, it doesn't. Life doesn't work that way.

This book reminded me yet again that we cannot wait to make our lives what we want. We should act now. We won't get there overnight, sure, but it's a start.

It's important to ask yourself how you can enjoy the present moment. It's important to find joy in what you have while working towards something greater. And it's important to talk about your feelings honestly. You can't show someone how to love you if they can't even figure out who you are.

February Resolution Recap

This month, I challenged myself to hike once every week. One of my new years resolutions is to spend more time in nature, and because the weather in Arizona is fantastic right now, I figured I'd be least likely to make excuses.

I hiked every Saturday:

Week 1: Barks Canyon Loop in the Superstition Mountains
Week 2: Papago Park
Week 3: Lake Pleasant
Week 4: Papago Park (again)


What Made it Difficult
I picked February because I knew the words "it's too hot!" wouldn't leave my mouth. The urges I did have to fight were: this early?? uuugh or I could stay in bed.... my to-do list is too big! so much to do! no time for a hike!

But I made myself go. On days that I couldn't go off for a full day's hike, I took a couple of hours to go to Papago Park instead.


What I Learned
I don't like exercising for the sake of it, but I learned that it's important for me to exercise so that I can explore parts of the world I wouldn't get to otherwise. I didn't even bother making a resolution to exercise more this year because I've never enjoyed the process of it, but I have a clearer goal now--exercising allows me to do more of what I want.

Now What?
I love the feeling of being in a desolate, natural space. I love plants, I love the breeze, I love the silence. I love how friendly everyone is (no really... look at this email!)

Everyone is always so happy to be in nature. There's such positive vibes flowing around, and I want to immerse myself in them. I want to challenge myself and do tougher hikes. Taller peaks = better views. Who knows, maybe I'll make it to the top of Mt. Humphreys this year!